hotter than hell
Just because you’re doing battle with the dark side doesn’t mean you can’t be sexy.
October 29, 2010
In the new film The Last Exorcism, which opens here today, the handsome Patrick Fabian plays Cotton Marcus, an evangelical minister whose good looks help him win the confidence of a young girl, Nell (Ashley Bell), who has apparently been possessed by a demon named Abalam.
First, he tells her that her shoes are pretty, then he shoves a crucifix in her face – works like a charm!
Exorcists tend to be dashing figures, generally speaking, even all the way back to horror classic The Exorcist, which helped establish the template for the genre.
JASON JOHNSON overcomes his healthy fear of hellspawn to bring you this reasonably definitive list of the sexiest exorcists – or sexorcists, if you will – in film.
To coin a phrase, they’re hotter than hell!
COTTON MARCUS IN THE LAST EXORCISM
Groomed from young to be a charismatic preacher, Cotton Marcus (little-known TV actor Patrick Fabian) has Southern charm to burn.
Dressed in a natty three-piece suit, complete with a pocket square, he made a fine living by preaching the gospel to swooning parishioners.
When he is called upon to battle with a demon who has taken possession of a girl’s soul, the pretty boy strides into the situation with all the haughtiness his handsomeness has afforded him.
Unfortunately, he’s not the demon’s type, and soon finds himself way over his well-coiffed head.
‘Words, words, words,’ the evil spirit mocks as Cotton tries ineffectually to expel him.
But Cotton eventually proves to be more than just a pretty face and the film’s climax gets very interesting indeed.
RABBI SENDAK IN THE UNBORN (2009)
Gary Oldman was 50 when he played a reluctant Jewish exorcist in The Unborn, but you’d never know it from his still-boyish good looks and flowing locks.
Sharp and professorial, his Rabbi Sendak is a modern man who isn’t quite sure what to make of a young girl’s claim that she’s possessed by a demon known as a dybbuk (an evil spirit in Jewish folklore).
He eventually agrees to help her, and chances are you would too – especially because she’s played by the delicious Odette Yustman.
During the actual exorcism, Sendak doesn’t prove to be all that competent, what with the demon managing to get free and wreaking all sorts of havoc. But the important thing is that the old fellow manages to remain foxy in the face of his fear.
JOHN CONSTANTINE IN CONSTANTINE (2005)
Any discussion of sexorcists would not be complete without John Constantine, played by Keanu Reeves, no less.
Dressed in his smart black suit and tie, the world-weary battler of demons – who has literally been to hell and back – works his bad-boy charisma like a true anti-hero.
Unlike most exorcists, who tend to be more cerebral, Constantine battles the denizens of the underworld with a sweaty physicality, yanking them around by the scruff of the neck or simply blowing them away with his wicked-awesome cross-shaped gun.
When he teams up with a gorgeous policewoman (Rachel Weisz) to investigate the suicide of her twin sister, the two manage to bring a touch of romance to a genre mostly known for head-spinning and projectile vomiting.
FATHER MERRIN IN TH EXORCIST (1973)
He might not be what you’d call pretty, but there’s no denying the statuesque sex appeal of Max von Sydow as Father Merrin.
As the mentor to the younger Father Karras (Jason Miller), Father Merrin has already faced the devil head on and has lived to tell the tale.
He radiates power and conviction, a forcefulness that blows off the screen like a powerful wind of pure righteousness.
‘The power of Christ compels you!’ he drones at the monster living inside the possessed girl Regan (Linda Blair) in one of the film’s most iconic scenes.
Indeed, it is hard imagining anyone, including Satan himself, having the power to resist this rampant man of God.
BEETLEJUICE IN BETLEJUICE (1988)
When women are asked what they like in a man, they often answer confidence and a sense of humour.
Well, have at it, ladies.
Beetlejuice, played by Michael Keaton in full-on prankster mode, may not be the best-looking sexorcist of the bunch, but he’s a one-man party, and you can’t help but be drawn into the naughty fun.
A ‘bio-exorcist’ called upon to expel a flesh-and-blood family of yuppies from a house which rightfully belongs to pair of ghosts, Beetlejuice ends up falling for the yuppies’ daughter Lydia (Winona Ryder), whom he longs to make his bride.
They make a nice couple, actually.
But it’s the sort of mixed relationship that’s doomed to fail – there are just too many bridges for a live girl and a dead man to cross.