HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-REMEMBERED POINTS

19 Nov

FIRST FEATURE
HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-REMEMBERED POINTS
AS RECALLED BY MUGGLE AND HARRY POTTER NON-FAN JASON JOHNSON, art by KELVIN CHAN
By Jason Johnson
November 19, 2010
 
 

Harry Potter was an orphan with a lightning bolt scar. He lived with his fat relatives. Some owls came and invited him to study at Hogwarts, a school for wizards and witches.

At Hogwarts, Harry made friends with a very pretty girl named Hermione and a red-haired kid named Ron…or Rob? Though Hermione is way too good for him, they would later ‘snog’.

Harry had many adventures, such as…one time, he rode a dragon.

The headmaster at Hogwarts was Dumbledore, but the actor who played him ended up dying, so they replaced him with actor Ian McKellen. Word has it Dumbledore leads an ‘alternative lifestyle’.

Harry’s rival is Draco Malfoy, who is very snotty and has white hair. One time they had this magic wizard fight. Harry probably won.

Harry finally gets around to fighting his arch enemy, known as The-Man-With-No-Name. But actually he has a name, and it’s…Visigoth? Vodafone? Anyway, he doesn’t have a nose either, and he’s played by Ralph Fiennes.

Harry and his pals are always playing this game called Quidditch that makes even less sense than cricket. They fly around on brooms doing who-knows-what, and somehow we’re supposed to care.

Harry ends up dating an Asian girl, but then she disappears. He should really be going after Hermione, who is way too good for Rob.

After like 10 movies there were too many characters to keep track of. For certain there was Gary Oldman, Helena Bonham Carter and Robert Pattinson. Also, Emma Thompson was probably in it. Judi Dench too?

The Hogwarts gang used to be cute little kids, but they grow older. They still like playing Quidditch and fighting Voldemort, though. And snogging. Someone important died in the last movie. Or maybe not.
 

The NewPaper

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